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emilia

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[21 Sep 2005|11:47pm]
im sorry, you'll never understand how sorry i am.

its been two years and i cant even look you in the eye.
wake me up

[11 Sep 2005|12:45am]
i dont know what to say. theres an empty hole in my heart. i dont know wuts wrong with me. like i just dont care. i have no feelings for anything, like anything. yet i still cry all the fucking time. i guess its just growing up and not being around the people you use to be with. whether they moved or passed on, everything changed. and as much as nothings better then a change i just wish everything was the way it use to be. ive lost all my friends and im too far away from my family, in more ways then one. i just wish..
2 nights of sleep lost| wake me up

[20 Jan 2005|01:10pm]
[ mood | cold ]

ok so im talking to jon again..im glad. hes always there, thank god. AND im also going out with chris..thats fun so far, hes so awesome.
well last week i wento long island, it was amazing as usual. took a 5 mile walk in the cold, watched the jets game, got drunk, got hit in the head with a wrench, smiled. ah i love it there, i think im guna make it an every other week thing cuz im so happy when i go there and like i never get mad or anything. its just so..i duno its home to me.

wake me up

[24 Dec 2004|05:39pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

yup so im in arizona. its cool so far. im bored right now though. yesterday we got here at like 10 in the morning this time and then i went to sleep and woke up like at 5 ish. then we ate dinner and josh called me at like 8 him and his cousins picked me up here and we went to see meet the fockers. its so cool that i got to hang out with him since i did cry..a lot when he left. but anyway his cousins are pretty cool..they're his age and they're twins. josh is guna be going to the same high school my aunt works at..which is so cool. josh zak is guna be coming out here in march and i asked my aunt if it was alright if i came out here then she sed it was cool. but any way im happy about one thing..at night its dark. you can see almost every star. and theres stairs up to the roof which makes it even cooler. i took some pictures already of the sunsets and crap..impress mr blum a little. tonights christmas eve..we're not guna do anything really but my cousin bought a game for us to play..i guess we're guna play it as a family. trivial pursuit 90s edition..woohoo. well anyway..im guna go now. cuz i duno...if anyone misses me too much my number is 845 270 3006. later.

1 night of sleep lost| wake me up

[03 Dec 2004|11:44am]
[ mood | blah ]

u were so much different back in those days..

ok so far work sucks i have no clue how to do the register or anything but once i get enough money i can quit. today im going around thinking about what to get people for christmas. i already have things planned for only 3 people..one is mad expensive though..but who cares.

its quite chilly in my basement. like the least it cood do is snow even tho im not a fan of snow..its better then it just being cold..at least theres something to look at.

about a year ago i didnt have as many problems..i was a little happier..there was less to worry about, like if somebody hated you are not. there was no fucking drama. it was all good and any fights that happened lasted, at most, 5 mins and there werent even about anything important, but never about anything so stupid..like gum. i had my friends and thats all i needed. i dont no what happened..but im a person that never regrets anything.. lately ive been doubting myself.

wake me up

[22 Nov 2004|05:22pm]
the weirdest thing happened today.. i was thinking about my grandpa and i was in my room, and when i was thinking about him all of a sudden the cross that i got from him feel on the floor.. it was hanging on my mirror and it was the only thing that even moved...i got freaked out.
then i was going through my videos and i almost lost the tape of my grandma's house before she moved..i was crying cuz i coodnt find it, but thank god i did.

any way this weekend was alright, i hung out with avi twice! i love him. anyways friday i hung out at teresa's which is alwaysssss fun. but last night i didnt get any sleep which mad my weekend only alright.

already i have to go my glasses fixed. its been like a week. i dont really like them though or i just dont like that i have to wear them like all the time except when im reading or just sitting. by the end of the month im guna lose them..i hope.

ooooooh yea. did i mention im in love. yup yup. with silence...
wake me up

[13 Nov 2004|11:16pm]
[ mood | blah ]

im going to arizona for christmas break..woohoo..im probably not guna have fun though cuz my brother is guna be there and ill probably end up killing myself before i return..but wutever.

the one person that understood me...i let go. he always wanted to see me smile..why am i so damn stupid.

wake me up

[28 Oct 2004|06:48pm]
[ mood | ..headache ]

so lately ive been extra mad. my poor walls. this is why i need to hang up my punching bad..so i dont make holes in the walls. the anger is getting so bad im doing it infront of other people. like the other chris was over and i had to send him home..i was afraid i was guna hurt him. well im getting help for that now. anger management..sweet.

2moros friday. backdoor show. i wana go..i wana go back to the way things use to be..like going to a show every friday...just none of my friends are really into that kind of music cept jon..but hes not allowed out of his cage usually. so hopefully ill be going 2moro...i duno if im guna dress up though..

next friday i might be going to l/i with kristen alex, chris, matt and jon. how crazy is that guna be. we're guna stay at my uncles and go quading and play paintball and hang out and have a mad awesome time. thats something i need...to get away.

wake me up

[11 Oct 2004|06:09pm]
[ mood | cold ]

eww im at the library with chris and jon..
im really bored
i might leave soon to go to party fair with alex..they can come if they want..but their doing..homework..yet there not at home. but yea. i duno if i shood go or sit here..
and i drank horny goat weed before..yes drank, even though its a pill. but its in this energy drink that taste like cherry soda...beer.

wake me up

[04 Oct 2004|06:16pm]
[ mood | horny ]

before was fun. but now my legs are numbbbbbb.

lets see...debate in p.i.g... i think i got my point across...people think i dont talk..ha..i always have so much to say. i just like to observe..until i get mad then i yell. photo was cool...me and chris got to grade papers...we felt like real teachers..wow we're losers. and then he let me and chris leave like 15 mins early so we sat in the car for like an hour and we were first on line to get out. woohoo.

i think im going to die soon..just a thought though. i dont no for a fact.

i wana go to l/i this weekend i miss everyone. but l/i doesnt have...yup u guessed it. sex. ooo and my bed too. and and those people i sometimes hang out with.

i need to somehow ask my mother where she put my handcuffs..without her thinking im doing something wrong with them..which im not going to. i just..want them.

wake me up

[29 Sep 2004|09:23pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

woohoo.
your so awesome.
i love you.

wake me up

[22 Sep 2004|03:17pm]
ok so i dropped classes and now im all good. im taking independent study for photo 2 times a day..and one is with chris how awesome is that. and uh..we're reading this book in english and we just started it yesterday and im done with it. ive started to get intressted in books..how amazing is that..me..reading. school this year should be cool, i hope..

oh and i finally figured myself out. nobody can ever figure me out. im happy i got that much.


theres static in the atmosphere
a constant interference that is killing me
im losing the connection here
and all the frequencies are down
and this silence seems so loud

thats why
this system shorted out
programmed restraint before the shutting down
this system shorted our
memory fails during the crashing down.

im screaming at the satelites
im watching all the screens go black in front of me.
im sending out a prayer tonight
because all the frequencies are down
and this silence seems so loud.

and as it's starting to fade out
and as we're heading underground
there is a pessimistic side of me that knows that this
might never turn itself around.



name that song and who sings it.
and while your at it tell me how that describes me.




shine on.
1 night of sleep lost| wake me up

[18 Sep 2004|09:45pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

by the way.. i hate you. i cant stand you. why the fuck are you doing this to me. just fuck off wood ya. and stop lying to me. i cant take it when people lie to me. thats what makes me hate you.

i give up. i hate all my friends. im giving up on people. everyone thinks im so god damn nice i cant fucking stand it. cuz they take advantage of it and whenever their fucking parents look for them they always call me and that makes me feel responsible and then i waste my whole fucking night looking for them while they're out having so much fucking fun. fuck all of you. go fucking die. im so done with all of you.

it hurts me so much
and im not quite sure
i care anymore

1 night of sleep lost| wake me up

[18 Sep 2004|12:08am]
[ mood | crushed ]

ok. its around like 12 and im about to KILL someone im so fucking pissed off. i hate medicine its so fucked up it doesnt help u it just kills u. i really wish the fucking doctors wood actually help my grandma instead of killing her. my uncles are coming over 2moro at like early..and they need to bring court people here. thats guna be weird.

got high today. pretty crazy. drove cuz kristen coodnt..well technically i coodnt either but everyone trusted me more. and yea me and kristen did some weird stuff...no not with each other..but stuff we woodnt do normally.

wake me up

[09 Sep 2004|09:30am]
so its like 9:30..and im up. ive been up since about 11:30 yesterday..well 10 cuz after i fell off my bed i coodnt really get back to sleep. last night i kept on trying to sleep but it wasnt working...there was something on my mind but everytime i went to go think about it...i wood like forget it..so it kept me up. i hate when that happens.

im sick of music..everything is starting to sound the same to me. i need something that sounds better, or something that sounds worse, i just need something new.

i hate change but i need it so badly. this years gunna be different, im gunna change everything..just like all the other times.

ok, if its gunna be gloomy..then at least rain with a little bit of thunder..excite me please.

we're guna die like this you know
5 nights of sleep lost| wake me up

[08 Sep 2004|06:02pm]
[ mood | bored ]

today was alright..me kristen and jon went to the mall for like an hour but then theres nothing else to do so...yea. everyone has work..i need a job..or school.

wake me up

[06 Sep 2004|02:01am]
[ mood | happy ]

today was so cold. and so much fun..sorta. well after me and jon left everyone it was. we were so cold so we were just like sitting on those hidden stairs by the movie theather but that didnt really work so we broke into sacred heart school and sat in the dark for a while..it was so warm..then i went home and went with my mom to pick up my sister and her friends to take them to blockbuster and i got skulls and then jon called and he was talking to my sister's friends and was like they sound cool come over so we went over at like 11 and then at like 12 we left.

for once...im actually really happy.

wake me up

[03 Sep 2004|10:05pm]
[ mood | weird ]

i need to hang out with my other friends. i cant stand it when people keep me from them it pisses me off. so i think once my dad gets my insurance that wont be a problem. but so far the passt couple of weeks have been fucked up, its been awesome. and the other day me kristen chris and jon went to a yankee game. chris loves the yankees so we went for him he had so much fun, im glad. i like hanging out with just the 4 of us sometimes. we usually sit around and do nothing..very satisfying. today jon woke me up at 9..how that kid wakes up at every morning is mystery..but anyway i spoke to him for like an hour and then i went back to sleep and sally called and then we took some random bus to white plains walked around and did nothing for about 4 hours and then took the bus home. i like exploring. and now my brother is back from college from his long stay of like 3 days..hes back til monday. and my parents are so excited...wut freaks. but anyway..school starts next week..thats guna be weird.

wake me up

[28 Aug 2004|10:50pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

so today was alright. i love nicks mom..today i hung out with her..not nick. but anyway last night was way too weird like. and now im tired. and a little pissed that...that happened

wake me up

[24 Aug 2004|11:51pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

bahh. worst mood ever. i duno just everythings so bahhhh. and my stupid dream...came true im happy..im happy that one part of it did but only that tiny part...cuz the rest sucks major balls. grrr im guna fucking kill someone

wake me up

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